Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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