did you get engaged???
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think my moral compass just broke
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
