I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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