My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He called his prostate his "boner button".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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