two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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