I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
false alarm. still invincible.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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