I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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