if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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