Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
