i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
