Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
