My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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