I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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