then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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