it wasn't lemon gatorade
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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