just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
