It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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