Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
