when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
