I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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