Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
