Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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