Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We need to rekindle our bromance
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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