I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
