so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
