his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
