My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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