did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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