ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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