if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
