My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
