Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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