you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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