Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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