Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
