God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
