He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
