so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
