Can Purell be used as lube?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I checked into jail on foursquare
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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