i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Floor bacon is actually really good
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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