You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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