Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
