Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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