Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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