I'm lost and stupid without you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
