i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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