I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
