tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I met the friendliest cop last night
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
