My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
