Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
the raccoons are back...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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