hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
