I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
