I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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