The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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